"He Who Finds a Wife... Finds What Exactly?"

Man Scrolling An Online Dating Website in Search of a Wife

"He Who Finds a Wife... Finds What Exactly?" That's the question I wrestled with, the riddle I sought to unravel. I didn't just skim the surface; I plunged into the depths, got deep into the mud pits of this ancient proverb you guys, armed with curiosity and a healthy dose of skepticism. What I discovered wasn't a simple, sentimental message. Instead, I unearthed a complex understanding of cultural context, historical implications, and surprisingly relevant insights for modern relationships. Prepare to have your assumptions challenged. I didn't just find answers; I found a deeper understanding of what it means to seek and build a life together. So, buckle up, because the journey into the heart of this proverb is about to take some unexpected turns. You might just find the "surprises" are less about what you find, and more about what you uncover within yourself.

He Finds! She Loses!

Since he finds (a wife), then it begs the question, is she lost? No,  she has to be revealed to him. Today’s marital structure is incorrectly based on biblical scriptures that has been misinterpreted from man’s ideology and from new testament scriptures that contradicts the word of GOD, and all too often, the man benefits more than the woman, why? Let me answer that with several points of contention: she loses absolute autonomy over her own life; decisions become one-sided; she loses the ability to have complete control of her own time, since she is now relegated to domestic work and sometimes work outside the home; she loses the ability to say “no”; she loses her desires, they now becomes his; she loses the ability not to worry about her own needs but his; she loses the ability to not have the final say on anything; she loses the ability to be tired, sick, fed up, unhappy, emotionally and physically drained; she gains more housework with no help; more dishes to clean; more laundry to wash, and the list goes on and on. She has now become a servant in a relationship that GOD blessed and told them to multiply and rule together, and not over each other. When GOD created woman, He created her equal to man and not less than man. He told both to rule the earth and not each other. Man has relegated GOD to a misogynist, male chauvinist, prejudicial, unjust GOD of disorder, chaos, and confusion because our men really believe that GOD created woman to be ruled by man and to be a servant of man. All out of order!! This is why our relationships are struggling and the divorce rate is high. GOD has left the relationship because man rules as a dictator to the woman Elohim gave to him as a gift. So, brothers, this is how you mistreat a gift, and then you wonder why divorces among Hebrews are higher then that of the heathens. No understanding of law and no understanding of GOD. Why does man find a ‘good thing’ but a woman doesn’t? Because man rules with force and cruelty. He mistreats his ‘good thing’ as an inhumane being, property, something to be controlled, a servant of some sort.

Let's expand on the proverb "He Who Finds a Wife..." by exploring its various facets and interpretations:

1. Misunderstanding of the Literal and Historical Context:

• Ancient Society: In the original context, marriage was often thought of as being blessed by GOD; two equals who are joined together as one unit; Genesis 2:24, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and unites with his wife, and they become one family.” In Hebrew, the phrase is” ‘basar echad’, one flesh. Based on Genesis 3:16 and the introduction of a dowry, some men mistreat their wives as their own personal property to be controlled, manipulated, and dominated as see fit, as if their ideology is supported or mandated by GOD. Marriage is not a transactional arrangement but a reflection of GOD’S own marriage to Israel. Now if GOD mistreated them as they mistreat their wives, then that would be unjust, but man doesn’t see that he is unjust. Some believe that "Finding" a wife is comparable to (but is not factually true) acquiring a valuable asset, similar to a financial transaction or agreement, not just a romantic partner. Some of our ignorant brothers really think that a wife is his property to be mistreated and dictated to. A slave of some sort. Scriptures don’t support this ideology! Back in ancient times, marriage was based on lineage, tribal property, and social standing, and not the ability to control and mistreat a wife. 
• Patriarchal Structures: The proverb seems to reflects a patriarchal society where men held significant power and women's roles were often implied to be domestic and childbearing. On the contrary, scriptures support that women often held roles that were equal to their male counterpart. For example, prophet, prophetess; king, queen; male teacher (Moreh), female teacher (Morah); male judge, female judge; military leader (male), military leader (female). Therefore, this contradicts the theory of women being subjugated to only domestic work and child-rearing. Women often had leadership roles or influence over both men and women, i.e. Deborah, Huldah, etc.

2. The Symbolic and Metaphorical Meanings:

• Finding a Blessing: The proverb can symbolize the joy and fulfillment that comes from finding a compatible life partner.
• Finding Completion: It can represent the idea that a good marriage brings wholeness and balance to one's life.
• Finding a Helper: In Genesis, Eve is created as a "helper" for Adam, suggesting that a wife provides more than support and companionship. Genesis 2:18 declares: “YAH GOD said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion for him who corresponds to him.’”
• Finding a Partner: In ancient terms, it symbolized finding someone to share life's journey with, a true partner, equal in all aspects. GOD said that it is not good to be alone.

3. The Modern Interpretations and Challenges:

• Evolving Gender Roles: Modern society challenges the traditional gender roles implied in christianity and judaism. Women have greater autonomy and freedom, and marriage is increasingly seen as a partnership of equals, which the holy scriptures validates.
• Diverse Relationships: The proverb doesn’t focus on a husband-wife stereotypical relationship back in the 50’s, 60’s, & 70’s, but reflect the modern diversity of ancient relationships.
• Individualism vs. Partnership: Modern culture often emphasizes individualism, which can conflict with the commitment and compromise required in marriage. Today, many married couples have separate personal bank accounts and one joint account for bill payments. They file separate taxes; the wife may still legally use her maiden name; the house may be listed under her name alone; they have different interests, and different friends. In essence, they get married only to live single. Marriage is a partnership. A coming together as one whole, one entity, ‘basar echad’ (one flesh).
• The Pressure of "Finding Someone” — “A Good Thing”: The proverb can contribute to the pressure to find a spouse, leading to unrealistic expectations and anxiety.
• The "Good Thing" Implication:
• The phrase implies that finding a wife is inherently "good," suggesting that those who haven't are somehow lacking or missing out. This creates a sense of urgency and can make singles feel inadequate or behind schedule. Also, finding a wife, without the guidance of wisdom from GOD is not a good thing. You never know what you might get. That ‘good thing’ may become your worst nightmare!

• It can also lead to the perception that marriage is the ultimate goal, overshadowing other fulfilling life paths and accomplishments. Know yourself first!

• Unrealistic Expectations:
• A fairytale: The proverb can romanticize marriage, portraying it as a solution to all problems and a source of constant happiness. This sets unrealistic expectations for both the relationship and the partner. Marriage is a lot of work. It requires patience, forgiveness, honesty, and trust. It is not a cure-all to your problems. If I just had a husband…, or if I just had a wife…

• Individuals may begin to view potential partners through a lens of "good thing" rather than as complex individuals with their own strengths, weaknesses, and flaws.

• Anxiety and Fear of Missing Out (FOMO):
• The societal emphasis on marriage, amplified by proverbs like this, can create anxiety and FOMO, especially for those who feel they are "falling behind” on their schedule or goal to be married by a certain period in their lives. The right person and right time is controlled by GOD when you trust in HIM, and not lean to your own understanding.

• This pressure can lead to rushed decisions, settling for incompatible partners, or staying in unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone. This is never a good thing.

• The pressure can cause people to overlook red flags in a potential partner, because of the overwhelming need to find someone. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Yes, they may be married, but have you considered that they may be miserable. All too often, we have seen in the news - newlyweds being murdered. Men with their wives for several decades are murdered by them and vice-versa, whether to be with another person, out of spite, or for insurance money. Do not rush to be married to a potential murderer.

• The Devaluation of Singleness:
• The proverb can inadvertently devalue singleness, portraying it as a temporary state or a problem to be solved. Genesis says that it is not good that a man should be alone, not a woman. Being alone doesn’t mean loneliness or a permanent status. You know who you are when you are alone - your true self is revealed. Never be afraid to be alone. 

• This can create a sense of isolation and pressure for single individuals, who may feel like they are not living up to societal expectations. You move at your own pace and your trust should be in GOD, and not the opinions of others.

• The pressure for women:
• Historically, and even currently, this proverb can put an unfair amount of pressure on women. Women can be made to feel as if their sole purpose is to be a wife, and that they are not complete until they are married. You are a whole person before, during, and/or after marriage, my sisters. All marriages are not good marriages. It’s better to be safe and alone, then sorry and in hell with a mountain of regrets.

• The Pressure to find someone, can cause a person to ignore their own needs:

• People may ignore what they want in a partner, and ignore their own personal needs, because they are to focused on the idea of finding a spouse, and taking care of him. My sisters, this is never a good thing.

Realistic Counterpoints:

• Marriage is not a magic cure-all. It requires hard work, compromise, respect, and constant effort.
• Singleness can be a fulfilling and enriching life stage.
• Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, compatibility, and shared values, not just the desire to be married.
• Finding the right partner takes time and patience.

By acknowledging the realistic impact of such proverbs, we can encourage a more balanced and realistic perspective on relationships and singleness.

• The definition of "Wife": The definition of wife is more than a title, it is the reflection of Israel as a wife to our GOD, the GOD of the Hebrews. She is a ‘good thing’ - to be appreciated, cared for, and cherished.

4. The Deeper Questions It Should Raise:

• What does it mean to "find" someone? Is she lost? Is it a matter of chance, destiny, or active pursuit?
• What qualities are essential in a life partner? How do we balance our own needs and desires with those of another person?
• How do we build and maintain a healthy relationship? What are the keys to successful partnership in a godless world?
• Is marriage for the sake of being married - necessary for a fulfilling life? How do we define happiness and success in our own terms?
• Sisters, how do we navigate the complexities of love, commitment, and partnership when our own self-worth and value seems to be diminishing?

By exploring these different questions, we can move beyond a simplistic interpretation of the proverb and gain a deeper understanding of its enduring relevance and complexity.

I hope this blog post has been helpful. If you have any questions, please feel free to leave a comment below. Shalom