The Serpent's Tongue: Sneaky Disguises of Gossiping

Gossip, the act of sharing information about others that is not true or is meant to harm their reputation, is a common social behavior. What is so exciting or alluring about hearing negative or embarrassing information about another person? Could the answer be buried within our emotional or mental psyche? Is it because of jealousy, envy, low self-esteem, hatred, or misery? Regardless of the reason, gossiping is a sin and it is a behavior that GOD hates, and it manifests itself in a myriad of ways. Furthermore, gossip can also be disguised in ways that make it difficult to recognize. 

Some of the most common disguises of gossip include:

1. "Just keeping you informed": This guise suggests you're doing the other person a favor by sharing information they "need" to know about another person. It implies that the information is important and that you have their best interests at heart. However, often the "information" is negative, speculative, or irrelevant to their well-being. A gossiper seldom spreads “good information.” Their motive is to reveal harmful or embarrassing information.

2. "Sharing a funny story": Humor can be a powerful tool for spreading gossip. A seemingly innocent anecdote about someone else can be laced with subtle jabs, exaggerations, or outright lies. Because it's presented as a joke, it can be harder to challenge, and the person sharing it can easily dismiss concerns by saying, "I was just kidding!” It’s parallel to someone showing their true colors when they become angry. They tell you exactly how they feel about you and when their anger subsides, then they pretend that they were lashing out at you because someone else made them angry and that may be true but it can also be equally true that this is how they really feel about you. People tend to tell their true feelings about a person when they are angry, drunk, or under the guise of “joking”.

3. "Seeking advice": Asking for advice about a situation involving another person can be a way to subtly share gossip. By framing it as a request for help, you can divulge personal details about someone else's life without appearing to be gossiping. The "advice" sought is often just a pretext for sharing the story. When the receiver of the gossip starts asking questions, then you start blabbing about how that happened to so-and-so. You already knew that the person was going to ask questions and this is your sneaky way of gossiping without looking like a gossiper.

4. "Expressing frustration": Venting about someone can easily morph into gossip. Complaining about a coworker, friend, or family member can lead to sharing private details or making judgments about their character. While expressing frustration is sometimes necessary, it's important to be mindful of the line between venting and gossip. Don’t allow your venting to be the pathway to sin.

5. "It's just between us": This phrase is a classic red flag. It creates a false sense of intimacy and importance, making the listener feel like they're being let in on a secret. However, it's often a manipulative tactic to ensure the gossip is spread further. If the information was truly private, it wouldn't be shared with anyone else. Not anyone!!

6. "I'm not one to gossip, but...": This is a blatant attempt to disguise gossip. The phrase itself is a disclaimer that attempts to absolve the speaker of responsibility for what they're about to say. However, the "but" inevitably introduces the very gossip they claim to avoid. It is an oxymoron!! The “but” cancels the preceding words.

7. "For their own good": This justification suggests that sharing gossip is actually beneficial to the person being discussed. It implies that the information is necessary for others to understand or help them. However, this is rarely the true motivation, and the "good" is often a thinly veiled excuse for spreading negativity.

8. "Rumors are flying": This tactic deflects responsibility by suggesting that the gossip is already circulating. It’s already out there!! But sister or brother, you are adding flames to the fire. Remember, Proverbs chapter 26 verse 20: "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down." The gossiper feels like they are merely "reporting" the news, not creating it. However, by repeating the rumors, they are actively contributing to their spread of it. It keeps the rumor mill going.

9. "Let's talk about something else": This can be a form of reverse psychology. The gossiper starts by divulging some and not all of the details. Then, by suggesting that they don't want to gossip, the speaker can pique the listener's curiosity and make them even more eager to hear the “juicy” details. Now the listener wants to know the other details you left out, and you are happy to divulge it. This in turn leads to gossiping.

10. "I'm just being honest": While honesty is important, it's often used as a shield for hurtful or judgmental comments. Sharing every thought that crosses your mind isn't necessarily being honest; it can be a form of gossip disguised as candor. It is also unwise. Proverbs 21:23 says: “The one who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps his life from troubles.” True honesty is tempered with kindness and discretion.

11. ”Just asking": This is when someone asks a question about another person, but their real intention is to gather information that they can use to gossip. Tend to your own house and do not meddle in other people’s lives.

12. ”I heard through the grapevine": This is when someone shares information that they have not verified, but they present it as if it is true. The phrase “I heard” is an indication that the information is unreliable and is based on gossip.

13. ”I'm just concerned": This is when someone expresses concern about another person's behavior, but their real intention is to gossip; to point out a perceived flaw or indiscretion.

14. ”I'm just trying to help": This is when someone offers advice to another person, but their real intention is to gossip. If you truly want to help, then you should talk to the person directly and not through a third-party.

15. ”It's just a joke": This is when someone makes a joke about another person, but their joke is actually based on gossip. It is a sneaky and underhanded way to spread misinformation, mistruths, half-truths, or the truth.

Being aware of these disguises can help you to recognize gossip in its various forms and resist the temptation to participate in it. Remember, even if the information seems harmless or well-intentioned, it's important to consider the potential impact on the person being discussed and choose to speak words that build up rather than tear down.

Gossip Disguised As Concern or Prayer Request

Gossip can be insidiously disguised as concern or even prayer requests, making it harder to recognize and resist. Here's how it happens:

Disguised as Concern:

• "I'm just worried about..." or "I'm concerned about...": This framing makes it sound like you have the other person's best interests at heart. It is a sneaky way to share gossip because the listener thinks the gossiper sincerely has concerns for the victim, so be careful when publicly ask for prayer requests because evil is there to resist your good intentions in order to use it as a form of gossip. This method can lower your defenses when engaging in it, making you more receptive to gossip. However, the "concern" often masks a desire to share juicy details or speculate about someone's life.
• "I heard..." or "Someone told me...": These phrases create an air of intrigue and importance, suggesting that the information is valuable or needs to be shared. It also deflects responsibility; you're not the source, just the messenger. But often, the "someone" remains unnamed, making it impossible to verify the information. Immediately, when someone uses these two phrases, they are outright admitting that it is gossip, because they heard it from someone else or someone told them. This is as straightforward as can be. They didn’t say “I saw” but rather “I heard” or “someone told me.” Gossip at its worst!!
• "Have you heard…”: This phrase  is a classic and often insidious way to introduce gossip. It's a seemingly innocent phrase that immediately piques curiosity and often precedes the sharing of potentially damaging or private information. Here's why it's a red flag:
• Creates an Air of Exclusivity: It suggests you're about to share something "secretive" or "in the know," making the listener feel privy to inside information.
• Implies Urgency or Importance: It suggests the information is timely or significant, even if it's just a rumor.
• Shifts Responsibility: It subtly distances the speaker from the information's origin, making it seem like they're just passing along something they heard, not actively spreading gossip.
• Triggers Curiosity: It's designed to draw the listener in, making them eager to hear the "news," even if it's potentially harmful.
• Essentially, "Have you heard..." often serves as a polite but manipulative way to bypass the listener's potential reservations about engaging in gossip. It's a signal to be cautious and consider the source and the potential impact of the information being shared.
• "I'm just sharing this so you can be aware...": This implies that you're doing the other person a favor by keeping them informed. It frames the gossip as helpful or necessary, even if it's negative or potentially damaging to someone's reputation. Why do other people need to be aware of what’s going on in someone else’s life? Make that make sense!! Tend to your own house.
• Focusing on the negative: Concern is valid, but when the "concern" is primarily focused on another person's flaws, mistakes, or struggles, it often crosses the line into gossip. True concern would involve a desire to help and support, not simply to share negative information. And this is what the gossiper does; focus on negativity.

Disguised as Prayer Requests:

• "I want to pray for [person] because...": This phrase uses the language of prayer to make the gossip seem more spiritual and acceptable. However, the "because" often contains details that are private, sensitive, or potentially embarrassing. No need to divulge any other information after the words: “I want to pray for [person].”
• "Please pray for [person]'s situation...": While genuine prayer requests are important, using prayer as a pretext for sharing gossip is manipulative. The focus shifts from genuine intercession to the dissemination of information. Again, no need to mention personal or private information in prayer requests.
• "I'm sharing this so you can pray effectively...": This justification suggests that the details are necessary for informed prayer. However, often the details shared are not essential for prayer and are simply used as a vehicle for gossip. GOD is all-knowing. 
• Speculation and Judgment: When prayer requests are accompanied by speculation about someone's motives or judgments about their character, it crosses the line into gossip. True prayer for others is about lifting them up and not listening in order to forms opinions and speculate about what may be wrong. All out of order!! Just evil!

Using prayer requests to spread gossip weaponizes spirituality and it damages trust. It is important to remember that gossip can have a negative impact on the people who are being gossiped about. It can damage their reputation, cause them emotional distress, and even lead to them losing their job or friends. If you are the victim of gossip, it is important to talk to the person who is spreading the gossip and let them know how their words are affecting you. You can also try to talk to other people who may have heard the gossip and set the record straight.

If you are the one who is spreading gossip, it is important to stop and think about the consequences of your words. Gossip can be hurtful and damaging, and it is not worth the risk. If you are not sure whether or not something is gossip, it is best to keep quiet.

How to respond to gossip:

• Discernment: Pay attention to the content and tone of the conversation. If it focuses on negative details about someone else's life, it's likely gossip, even if it's framed as concern or a prayer request. Enough said!!
• Directness (without strife): If you're comfortable, you can directly challenge the person by saying something like, "It sounds like you're sharing some personal information about [person]. Have you talked to them about this?" or "I'd rather pray for [person] without knowing the details. GOD knows their situation."
• Refusal to participate: You can simply say, "I'm not comfortable discussing this," and change the subject. 
• Prayer: Pray for the person being discussed and for the person sharing the information, that they would speak with kindness and integrity, and not participate in this sinful act of gossiping.

Betrayal of Trust

Sharing a secret that was entrusted to you in confidence is a betrayal of trust and a violation of a promise. Trust is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. Gossip, however, thrives on broken confidences, broken promises, and the sharing of private information without consent. When we realize someone has been gossiping about us, or sharing our secrets, our trust is shattered. Like a broken vase, it can be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to fully restore. Proverbs chapter 11 verse 13 tells us, “A talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is of a faithful spirit keeps the matter confidential.” This person goes around slandering others and revealing secrets but someone who is trustworthy keeps the matter private. This should clearly let you know which side of the fence you are on. You are either a talebearer or a trustworthy person. Talebearing damages relationships and undermines the foundation of our love for each other. We are commanded to love our neighbor as ourselves. Leviticus chapter 18 verse 18: “You must not take vengeance or bear a grudge against any of your people, but you must love your neighbor as yourself, I am YAH.” Also, remember that a slanderer hates the person whom he spreads gossip on. Proverbs chapter 26 verse 28: “A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.” So anytime you lie on someone, there is no love there. You should gossip on a person as much as you want to be gossiped on. In other words, if you don’t want rumors spread about you, then you should never ever spread rumors about others.

By being aware of the disguises of gossip and taking steps to avoid spreading it, we can help to create a more positive and respectful environment for everyone as we seek to better protect ourselves and others from the poison of gossip.

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